Finding Purpose In Fatherhood

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with the question of purpose. It’s a weight I’ve carried, feeling as though I’ve never truly known who I am. In my youth, I turned to sports, hoping to fill the void, but as I transitioned to young adulthood, I sought solace in partying, drugs, and alcohol. I embraced an identity as a ‘hippie,’ often losing myself in psychedelics and dropping out of the conventional paths of life. I lived for the moment, focused on simplicity and happiness, seemingly indifferent to the consequences.

Then, in my late 20s, I began to sober up. I turned my life around, starting a career in technology sales. Initially, it felt like a fresh start, but before long, I became ensnared in the rat race. I went all in on my career, striving to be the best and obsessively dedicating 60 hours a week to mastering my craft. Just like in my youth, I was trying to fill the void of identity and purpose with something external—this time, it was work. My goals evolved, but I remained tethered to the chase for money and recognition, desperate for validation and a sense of success.

Throughout this journey, I struggled with alcohol abuse, even as I married and became a father. My family—my wife and son—are everything to me, and I believed that becoming a dad would shift my perspective. In some ways, it did. I felt a newfound sense of purpose in providing for my family, but I misused that purpose, diving deeper into my career and chasing financial success rather than seeking true happiness in simplicity.

In 2022, I hit rock bottom with my drinking and faced the terrifying prospect of losing my family. I quit drinking cold turkey and embraced sobriety. As my son grew older, he’ll be five in a few short months, my goals began to shift. Money no longer felt like the objective. I no longer desired the expensive house or flashy vehicles. I realized I didn’t want to be defined by others’ perceptions or live a life driven by envy.

As I reassessed my career, I came to a disheartening realization: I didn’t enjoy my job. I felt complicit in supporting corporate greed, selling technologies that merely helped large companies increase their profits. I struggle with the contradictions of living in a capitalistic society while disliking the negative impacts of corporate and political greed on our country.

For the past two years, I’ve grappled with finding my way to happiness. I started training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu over a year ago, which has introduced me to a supportive community and challenged me both physically and mentally. Yet, even with a hobby I love and a family I cherish, I still find myself wrestling with a lingering sense of purposelessness.

Where do I go from here? How do I discover a passion? Does my career need to provide fulfillment, or can it simply serve as a means to an end? How can I turn my life around to leave a legacy for my family? These are the questions I’m seeking to answer in this journal. Join me on this journey as I navigate the complexities of finding purpose and meaning in life.